The following article was written by media personality, lifestyle guru, and style icon, Thomas Kelly.
By now, many of you will know that I’m always on the fore of fashion and fads, and I have to say that last Christmas, it seemed like ya’ll were pretty keen on these aluminum Evergleam trees. Naturally, I just had to get with the In-Crowd this year. I learned that these retro très-chic trees were only made for about a decade mid-last century right here in Manitowoc. So, back in January, I took to eBay and picked up the biggest one I could find.
To my dismay, however, the seller sent the thing to me packed only in its original box—a stained and disintegrating husk of a container. It looked like it had been used as a seat cushion and a floatation device for someone with both a bad case of sea-sickness and incontinence. The deliveryman must have punted the package towards my front door because the end of the box was completely blasted off. Once I scavenged the flagrant thing from my front stoop, I managed to assemble something in my living room from the contents. It gave only the vaguest suggestion of an arboreal form. Something must have fallen out on the way, but what exactly, I couldn’t say . . .
Needles were bent, the stand was crooked, and half the trunk was warped and missing a covering. How was it that seemingly all of the trees I spied on display in Historic Downtown Manitowoc were so perfectly pristine and mine was, well . . . so very much not? My sad excuse for a Tinsel Tannenbaum left me feeling hopeless and that I had wasted my money on a monstrosity. Embarrassed, I placed it back into the “box” and interred the abhorrent thing under my bed.
Thomas Kelly
Properly buried, I forgot about it. Now, however, with December looming and Evergleams appearing throughout Downtown Manitowoc once again, I’m bombarded with reminders of my blunder. Like the “Tell-Tale Heart,” every glimmer grates on my psyche—every twinkle, a torment.
Surely, the season would be ruined for me. I had resigned myself to being terribly passé and contemplated purchasing a freshly cut tree off some unnamed lot—until I found out that there is someone who can help me revive the expired glittering sapling that I hid away. Rumors were circulating of a madman who could resurrect aluminum trees like some kitsch-tastic Doctor Frankenstein. Carefully practiced in his craft and with the help of a skilled assistant, it was said that he’s brought countless trees back from the brink of Dumpster Disaster.
As the rumors swirled about me, he seemed to miraculously emerge from the haze: a poster at Manitowoc Public Library touting the talents of one Dr. Evergleam and his dedicated assistant, Nurse Sparkle. I knew this would be my last chance to aid my ailing arbor and keep my cool intact this year. With registration now open, I hopped onto the Library’s Events Calendar (www.manitowoclibrary.org/events/month/2023/12) and signed up immediately.
Dr. Evergleam, the Aluminum Arborist (Jordan Kabat) and his assistant Nurse Sparkle (Barb Bundy-Jost) will be seeing patients in his glittering ER at Manitowoc Public Library on Saturday, December 2, from 10 AM-1 PM. If you’re like me and your tree is in dire need—or even if your Evergleam just needs a little bit of tweaking to be perfect—he will happily give you a tip or two on how to bring it up to speed before December 25. You can register, like I did, at manitowoclibrary.org/event/dr-evergleam.
Well—what are you waiting for?
