All this week we have been telling the stories of several local individuals and families that have had to deal with the pain of losing someone, or have had thoughts of suicide themselves. Today we tell the story of someone that has spent his whole life hiding his true feelings from everyone. That someone is me.
My story starts back when I was a young boy. I told my mother that I wanted to kill myself. I really didn’t and I don’t really know why I said it, but my mother responded with “Don’t talk that way.” What was she supposed to say? I was maybe 10 at the time, and was a very happy young boy. That response really stuck with me. For the next almost 2 decades I felt like I had to handle my issues alone. No one wanted to hear them. So I did.
When I was in 8th grade, I had a friend commit suicide. No one knew why. From all outward appearances he was a happy kid, always smiling, had lots of friends, a loving family, everything a kid could want. Although I wasn’t exactly close with him, his death triggered something in me. If the happiest kid I knew hated life so much, what chance did I have? I wasn’t poplar. I was the outsider in my own friend group. I was chubby. My self-worth was nonexistent. I wanted to die, because I didn’t see myself as worthy of taking up space in this world. When I was in High School, those feelings doubled, as another friend of mine, who I played hockey with also attempted. He was also, by all outward appearances a very happy kid. He thankfully did not succeed, but I feelings of “If he has such a great life and doesn’t want to live, why am I still here” grew.
I decided to join the Army when I was a junior in High School. When people would ask me why, I would say that I was following in my grandpa’s footsteps, as he served in Korea. While that was partially correct, the main reason I decided to join, was because I figured that was the best way to put myself in a position to die, without having to actually complete the act. After a few years in the service, I was deployed to Afghanistan from 2010-2011. Since coming back, I have seen two people I was deployed with take their lives.
As I grew up, I would go through spirts of extreme depression, but I would continually chicken out when the time came. I held a knife in my hand, pressed against my chest, tears streaming down my face, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. My failure to succeed continued to drive my self-worth into the ground.
Over the past year my self-worth took the biggest shot it has ever taken. M wife of five years decided she wanted a divorce. If the one person that I revolved my whole life around and loved with everything I had didn’t want me, how in the hell was I going to find anyone that did. I got really lucky, and became close with a friend of mine, whom I now confide in. He has gone through similar trials and tribulations, and we now take the time to make sure we both are doing ok. If he is having a rough day, we go out for lunch and talk it over. If I need some emotional support, I go to his place and we listen to music and talk. I can honestly say without him, I don’t think I would have survived this past year.
As an adult I tried to seek professional help. I went to a psychiatrist, but I felt so judged. I know he wasn’t judging me, but the social stigma surrounding getting help with my mental help was beating down on me. I hated that I couldn’t handle dealing with my problems on my own anymore. I couldn’t’ look myself in the mirror and see a strong willed man. I saw the boy that needed help tying his own shoes. I knew I needed to find a new way to deal with my ever present depression. It was then that I decided to do everything in my power to make sure no one else felt the same way I did. I turned to making people laugh, and also to being there for everyone.
Before Robin William’s passed away from suicide in 2012, he had a statement that rings true in my head every day. He said “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy, because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless, and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” That is why I am the way I am. I still struggle with feelings of worthlessness, but I know if I make just one person laugh every day, that they, at least for that moment were not in pain. They forgot about their problems. They felt happy. If you ever need someone to talk to, I will take time out of my day to listen. If you don’t feel comfortable going to see a psychiatrist, I will listen. If you just need to vent out all your frustrations and sadness, I. Will. Listen. I have been there. I have hit rock bottom. I forced myself to start the long swim back to the surface. Will I ever make it to the point where I am completely happy, probably not, but to quote Dory from Finding Nemo, all I can do is, “Just Keep Swimming.” Give me a call, send me an email, or stop into the station. Whatever works for you, but just know that I am here, my ears are open, and my heart is waiting. My contact information can be found at https://seehafernews.com/2018/06/18/references-for-individuals-who-need-emotional-support/
If you don’t feel comfortable talking to me, find that one person that you trust more than anyone else. I promise that venting about how you feel will help. Don’t bottle up your emotions like I did. All it will do is make it harder for you to cope. Talk to someone. Anyone.